Warning: This story discusses suicide.
SINGAPORE: Kevin Wee spent most of his schooling years being told he was “set for life”. He was driven, hardworking, good at his studies and athletic: Traits he saw as traditionally masculine, and valued by both his faith and family.
Growing up in what he described as a very conservative Christian setting also meant believing that men should head the household and women should submit to their husbands, said Wee, now 29 and an entrepreneur.
There were expectations that a man should excel, achieve, lead, provide, protect – expectations that ultimately proved too high, too much for him.
At his A-Level examinations, a severely anxious Wee suffered a mental block for the first time in his life and ended up turning in some of his papers blank. His self-esteem crumbled and he spent the next few months depressed and hospitalised with suicidal thoughts.
Wee’s parents supported him throughout but 10 years later, at the start of 2022, he faced another bout of anxiety and depression. This time, it was from losing a hard-earned S$200,000 when markets plunged in the wake of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
This was also when Wee found himself drawn to the controversial internet personality and ex-kickboxer Andrew Tate, known for his hyper-masculine and misogynistic views. “He would say things like it’s not how you feel,” said Wee. “If you want to be competitive in this world … as a man, your imperative is to go out there and do things, whether you feel like it or not.”
This thought process – that he had to just hustle, forget his emotions and go for success – initially motivated him but eventually put even more pressure on him, leading to a relapse in suicidal thoughts.
“Because I couldn’t live up to expectations anymore, I just didn’t think I wanted to live,” he said. “I just didn’t know what life was without … achievements, without that masculinity, if you want to put it that way.”
Several men CNA spoke to for this story were cognisant of traditional gender norms and the roles they were expected to play – but just like Wee, were less sure whether these lined up with what they really wanted for themselves.
In a YouGov poll of Singapore residents, conducted for CNA in September this year, just over 60 per cent of 512 male respondents aged at least 18 agreed that they fit in with what they thought were current gender norms.
Around 40 per cent agreed that traditional gender norms were outdated and ought to change.
Nearly four out of five male respondents agreed that a man should be able to support himself and his family financially. Close to a quarter said it was unacceptable for men to be stay-at-home fathers and to take care of children, while two out of five said they felt the pressure of fulfilling the role as man of the household.
The survey also asked 1,030 Singapore residents of all genders which traits they considered most masculine. Strong, physically fit, decisive and dominant emerged as the top few.
When asked to rate themselves on a scale from completely masculine to completely feminine, nearly a quarter of the male respondents said they were neither masculine nor feminine. Over one-fifth said they were feminine or completely feminine.
“WHY ARE YOU SOFT?”
Unsustainable ideals and mixed messaging have made it difficult to define the ideal man, resulting in an unattainable paragon, said Aarti Mundae, a psychotherapist with Incontact Counselling and Training.
“(Men) have grown up with an era of fathers who were conditioned in a certain way,” she added. “And the cultural and social context of the current environment has completely changed.”
Boys who imbibed from their dads and other male role models the importance of being a manly man, are now adults in a world asking – sometimes admonishing – them to embrace their more feminine sides.
No wonder “men are lost”, said Mundae.
Even if not adrift, they are fixated on either traditional masculine values or the other side of the fence where there is no separation between genders, which can also be complex and confusing, the counsellor said.
It is in this context where male mental health has also come to the fore, with men making up two-thirds of all suicide deaths in Singapore last year. The trend – of males outnumbering females in suicide deaths – is reflected globally, and research shows that societal expectations and mental health stigma are among potential contributing factors, said the Samaritans of Singapore in July.
Unsurprisingly, the men CNA spoke to for this story identified “strong and silent” as a particular stereotype they’ve had to deal with throughout their lives.
The YouGov poll showed the same. Nearly a third of male respondents found it difficult to express their emotions, while 64 per cent agreed it was acceptable to ask someone to “man up” or “be a man”.
Full-time National Serviceman Jasper Tan was told just that when he enlisted. He described being surrounded by fellow soldiers who believe that men have to be strong and not show weakness. This led him to dwell on whether to act tough and not display an emotional side, given that he wanted to be accepted and not bullied.
When some show vulnerability, remarks like “Why are you soft?” or “Why you so gay?” are commonplace, the 21-year-old said.
“I don’t support their comments, but sometimes when I correct them, it’ll be seen as a way of offending their manliness,” Tan added.
As an overweight kid in an all-boys school, Kristian Marc James Paul knows a thing or two about bullying.
He went on to develop deep insecurities about his body; and as a teenager, believed that the ideal man was a well-built, athletic model or bodybuilder – not unlike the fitness influencers exploding onto YouTube and Instagram at the time. “(Those) insecurities came from me feeling like there was a big disjunct between who I was versus who I thought attractive men looked like,” said Paul, now 29.
He began thinking more critically about masculinity when he was formally diagnosed with body dysmorphia in 2015.
“What does it mean to be a man? What does it mean to embody ideal masculine characteristics?”
“MEN ARE LOVED SOLELY FOR THEIR ABILITY TO PROVIDE”
Johnathan Chua, co-founder of creative agency GRVTY Media and the youngest brother to two sisters, recalls being a crybaby as a child.
“I remember trying very hard to outgrow that … trying to be the tough guy so they no longer called me san jie (third sister in Mandarin),” he said.
The 33-year-old also hosts a podcast called The Daily Ketchup, where gender roles and norms are sometimes discussed in relation to current affairs.
To him, men can show vulnerability at times but “cannot give in (and) be too weak”; they also have to be strong to take up roles in society that women cannot.
This view doesn’t extend to household responsibilities, with Chua deeming it “really unfair” that his mother had to do the chores and care for the extended family while his dad just sat around watching TV – even though they both worked full time.
But being a provider is key to his notions of masculinity. Paraphrasing a line from one of comedian Chris Rock’s skits, Chua said in seriousness: “Only women and children are loved unconditionally. Men are loved solely for their ability to provide.”
He gave the example of a scenario where his business goes bust, and how his wife would have confidence in him recovering his career.
“If I don’t, then I do believe I will be abandoned, and I can see why,” said Chua. “I would think she deserves better if I don’t bounce back.”
For men, losing their primary identity, role and purpose as a provider may aggravate not just feelings of anxiety and stress, but also shame based on years of internalised cultural and societal expectations, said psychotherapist Kiki Mohan from Alliance Counselling.
They might think “I’m not good enough” or “I’m a failure”, and their self-worth takes a hit. It may also lead to feeling like they no longer belong to the heteronormative definitions of their social groups, she added.
“This could further perpetuate the behaviour of not being able to reach out and share this difficult experience with their family and friends, leading to further isolation.”
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For several men CNA spoke to, however, it was their social circles that were reinforcing expectations of how a man should be.
Irshad Anguilla, 28, grew up with mostly male friends but after studying abroad, eventually came to find their crass jokes no longer funny. He argues with friends over comments they make about gender roles – for instance when they are intimidated by women more successful than them, or are unsure how to behave around women for fear of being cancelled.
The YouGov survey done for this story similarly found that nearly half of the male respondents worried about saying the wrong thing that may offend people of other genders.
Only 13 per cent said it was unacceptable for men to have a partner more successful than them, and 68 per cent agreed men and women should have equal rights.
Yet a not-insignificant proportion – 45 per cent – also felt that women have it easier than men these days.
GUIDED BY THE MANOSPHERE?
In Singapore, a cursory glance at local Reddit communities and forums like HardwareZone or Sammyboy will turn up hundreds, if not thousands of variations of the same complaint: Women being treated better than men; women privileged over men and so on.
And no topic is capable of drawing out as many – and as fervent – reactions as that of National Service, mandatory for all men in Singapore and for some, a source of resentment over the perceived unfairness of women not having to enlist.
The same hostility can be found among the male incel (short for involuntarily celibate) movement, where men blame women for their lack of romantic success. In overlapping spaces, women are also blamed for dressing suggestively and for being part of the problem when it comes to sexual crimes.